Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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