He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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