I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
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I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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