Apparently you make a good broom.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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