I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
