Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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