highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
