wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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