Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
