last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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