i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
