I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
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How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
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U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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