TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
