So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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