end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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