You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
