I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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