Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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