he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
