I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
