she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
