Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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