Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
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Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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