if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
