I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
