tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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