I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
