i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
