I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You ruined the universe
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
