Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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