i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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