i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
