The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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