I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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