Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
