Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
