the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
