Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Pants are for mortals
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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