I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
organizing the empties. That sober.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
