Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
