so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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