I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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