I accidentally burped into my bong.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
