Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
