a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
