someone threw a dead crab at me
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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