Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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