Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
