ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
