you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
