I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
