I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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