I CAN MOONWALK!
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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