If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
