I just threw up on my dentist
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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