you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
