Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
