i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
