can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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