i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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