People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
