I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
