It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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