it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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