I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My cat gives me a boner
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
