just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
This house was built for laser tag.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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