I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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