So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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