LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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