Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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