all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
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You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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